Hi Sweetie

It's mommie. I just wanted to tell you I Love You.

I remember the email when it came "can anyone take any of the babies to foster?" I really wasn't ready as I had just lost Jordy. But when I say your picture and what was wrong with you- it just broke my heart. Someone had left a rubber band grow into your neck & they had to cut it out. You were a cattle dog and oh my I thought of my Spud. He was my first one to go to the bridge and that almost killed me. He was so devoted to me. I thought about it & decided I just would not get real close to you. You would just be a foster. I would love you & care for you but you would not get my heart.

So I said OK pull him - I will take him. This was just days before the big fire at Mason. I always told myself I saved you twice. I felt good that you had a chance. I had no way of knowing I would end up with a broken heart for a memory.

Well- you got here & your neck was a mess. But we doctored it & you were such a good baby to take care of. Sat there like a trooper when I cleaned it & put meds on it. I got you a harness so you wouldn't have anything around your neck. And you had no problems with it. Finally we got you neck all healed. You were looking good. A real sweetheart. You wanted to be a lap dog & every time I was on the puter you had to help.

You were a wild one though. Only a year old and still in the puppy stage. But you were pretty good. Never went in the house. Was great at the vets. And boy could you tear up my yard. I no longer have grass on most of it. I had to laugh as you ere only 30 lb & you could put my Scruffy (65 LB) down in a heartbeat. You would romp & play with him till you wore him out & he's only a little over a year old. Energy - if I only had half what you had I would be happy. You just never wore out. But that is your nature & I knew that. You hated a crate as most cattle dogs do. They want to be free. So I never crated you. Oh you would go in one sometimes to lay down but the door was always open.

I took you to a couple of Adoption days & there were a couple people interested in you but they never did apply. I kept hoping you would get a good home where it would be a one on one for you as that is what you needed. You were devoted to me and that worried me. No matter where I was you were there also. I could not get away from you. If I went into the bathroom & closed the door- you would sit out there & cry. You were like my Spud, a shadow.

You didn't have a mean bone in your body. Anyone who growled at you you would just back away. If I raised my voice to correct you - you would just coward down on the floor.

Then in March they decided you needed to go into the prison program. I really didn't like the idea as it meant you would be caged at times & I just knew that was not going to work. But I had to let you go. I cried & when I left- I will never forget the look on your face. "Where are you going? Don't leave me!" That just broke my heart. I watched the site everyday for news on you. Well you lasted a week & got kicked out for misbehaving. (Probably the first prisoner that that ever happened to) We joked about that. But you were a changed dog when you came back. You just were not the same. You now fought the others when they growled. It took me a while to get you over that but finally you quit. You no longer would let me put a harness on you. And you had a fit & screamed when I put you in the room with Scruffy cause I had to go to work & I didn't trust you not to chew up the house. You had always went right in before. You did not want to be behind a gate anymore. It took over a month before you finally started to go back in on your own. I knew we had made a mistake. So now I had training to do & I worked & worked with you & you were finally coming around to the way you use to be.

Then all hell broke loose. A neighbor decided she didn't want any dogs barking in the neighborhood. (although for 3 years hers barked constantly and we put up with it) She started to report quite a few of us & especially picked on you. I spent several times at the police station making sure we were OK and I worked with you - not to bark early in the morning or late at night. Then I got a citation. I was worried they would take you but I got you trained not to bark & during daylite hours I was outside every time you all were with my can of pennies. It took a long time but we accomplished it. She finally go off our backs.

I ask for you to get training as I felt you needed it and after a month we didn't hear anything.

That's when my world came down on me.

Benji who has a nasty streak in him decided to bit me when I was bathing him. It was bad. This was on a Wednesday. By the next day I already had infection. And could not use my left hand as it was all bandaged. I was rough trying to control everyone & take care of you all with one hand but I managed. Meantime I got bad reactions to the antibiotics and my health went down hill. But I kept trying. Then the following Tuesday- You got to choking and I came up from behind you to put my had on your back to ease it like I normally did. You didn't see me & since Benji was so jealous of you since you can back from the prison he would jump on your back & attack you. (never bit you but growled). You thought it was him & grabbed at what you thought was him & it was my right hand.

I know you didn't mean to get me. As when I screamed- you coward right down & looked at me to say" Oh my- I am sooo sorry" I could see it in your eyes. You immediately came to me to apologize. It was to late. You tore the top of my hand. You didn't bite just grabbed. Now I had no hands. I went straight to the Doc's & came home with two bandaged hands. No way could I take care of you now. I needed help and fast. I tried for the rest of the week but all I could do was to feed you.

Then on Friday- they came to take you to a kennel to get training. It was my birthday & I didn't even realize it. I was too up set about you leaving. I spent all morning just with you. Went out & tried to throw some balls for you & sat & held you & loved you. I tried to tell you it would be OK & that you were leaving. When the time came I said want to go bye bye - you were all excited & when I got your leash you were excited You loved to go in the car. (you didn't ride well but you liked to go). You were so excited - when they came I couldn't get the leash on with my hands & you darted out the door. She grabbed you & put you in a cage in the back of a van. You cried & looked at me with those big eyes & clawed at the cage. to get out. Why??? What are you doing to me? This is the way I saw you for the last time & its embedded in my mind. My heart just shattered. I said Bye bye & you knew this was not a normal bye bye.

I have no idea how you are or where you are. No one is telling me anything and they said they would. It is killing me knowing you think I deserted you & I didn't baby- I Love You. And am worried sick over you. But all I have are my memories now of a sweet little baby who worshipped the ground I walked on.

I am so sorry Derrick- this is not what I wanted for you. I will go to my grave with guilt. And I will be reminded of you every time I see my hand as it is a big ugly scar.

I don't think I can ever get over this grief as it is worse than when I lost my babies to the bridge.

I may never see you again or know what has happened to you and it will tear at me till my dying day.

But sweetheart. Know this I Loved you and always will. I do not have any hard feelings over what happened. I know you never meant to do it. You would never in a million years hurt me on purpose & I know that in my heart.

I will always be with you in thought & spirit baby.

Please forgive me.